Lesson #34 - when in Mumbai look out for turds!

Josiah and I have been making an effort to be more active in our daily lives. As most of my time is spent gazing lovingly at images of food on websites like foodgawker.com and pinterest.com and Josiah's is spent working on his computer to make me more money, neither of us actually get a whole bunch of exercise. (Apparently neither our drunk-dancing on Friday nights, nor the repetitious arm movements required to pick up the phone to order take out, constitutes as exercise). 

Anyway, since we got back from our Christmas holidays, we’ve decided to go for a walk every morning. We generally take cat food with us and stop to feed some stray cats about 50m down the road from our house. We then contemplate whether we can be bothered walking further, conclude that we can’t, and turn back. The short distance that we cover is not to be sneezed at though! I’m not kidding; the footpath here is like an Indian version of that 'Wipeout' show. There are the dodgy drain covers which threaten to cave in if you step anywhere near them (throwing you into a deep, dark canal filled with the rank sewage of a billion people). Then there's the vegetable merchants who set up shop on the foot path and bark at you to buy their produce as you pass by. You try to avoid them by stepping onto the road only to be narrowly missed by the oncoming rickshaws or the motorcyclists who are doing the ride of shame home, still smelling of alcohol and almost getting you with a little bit of their vomit as they ride the wrong way up a one way street.

Almost avoided the poo. Almost. 

But the most devious of traps is the good old turd. It's easily camouflaged and is small and discreet which makes it almost impossible to spot until the very last second, at which point you let out a scream of horror as you try your best to defy gravity with a little jig mid-air. But alas, your foot has to touch the ground eventually. The worst part is that here in India, you can never be sure if it's a dog or a human turd…

Lucky for me, that's not my footprint in the photo. Nope, I learnt my lesson a few weeks ago when Josiah stepped into a HUMONGOUS GIANTIC ASTRONOMICAL size turd. In case you missed that: it was massive. And human. And surprisingly slimy - so much so that it made Joe skid a good 30 cm and nearly fall back into it. Thankfully he didn't because the smell coming off his shoe was so potent the crowd of people in the market parted as we walked through in search of water to wash his feet. I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea. In the end Josiah decided to just throw the shoes away and buy another pair.  


Ever since then I don't bother looking at the traffic when I walk around Mumbai. My eyes are firmly fixed on the path ahead of me watching out for poo. No doubt whoever stepped into that turd will be doing the same.

It's not you, it's me...Actually, you're right. It is you.

Just like that our love affair with India is over.

And as with all breakups, it’s best to move swiftly along to the next great love – in our case: the USA!

A quick squiz through my other posts will show that our time in India has had its fair share of ups and downs.

Here’s a quick summary of my thoughts on India.

The good things:

1. The food!! Especially Chicken Tikka Masala and anything cooked in a tandoor. I’ve added them to my “last meal ideas in case I am a death row inmate” list. I told you I love lists.

2. [Edit: even though our landlord agreed to give us our full bond back, he has gone back on his word and said that what we are doing is considered illegal(!) and that he will only refund part of the bond. While we appreciate he has costs to re-tenant this apartment, we feel betrayed by his change of heart and just wish he'd have told us this from the start rather than promising things he wouldn't stick to. Now we just feel lied to. Josiah especially feels a great disappointment as he had considered Mr Pai a friend and a true gentleman. What a shame.] Our landlord. Even though we’re breaking lease to leave, he was more than happy to give us our deposit back in full, no questions asked. He is probably the most generous and kind Indian I’ve met.

3. Indians have perfected the pressure cooker. You can have meat-that-falls-off-your-fork in a matter of minutes. But the noise it makes when it releases steam gives you a little heart attack every time.

4. Losing weight without trying. Could it be the complimentary salmonella in the takeout? Have we picked up worms? Who knows.

5. Drugs! I'm talking about the legal kind here although I have been offered pot on numerous occasions (which just to be clear, I turned down). Medication that you’d need a prescription for in any other country can be easily bought over the counter for a tenth of the normal price. Perfect for a hypochondriac like myself to self-medicate after a quick Google search!

What I won’t miss:

1. The pollution – every breath you take makes you feel like you’re filling your lungs with poisonous gases. Oh right, that’s because you are.

2. The cheating. Part of the reason I'm so looking forward to moving to the US is that I'm really sick of being ripped off by unscrupulous Indian merchants. I just want to be charged the same price as the next person. I'm tired of the little pause after you ask them how much something costs, during which you know they're trying to make up a specially inflated price, just for you. As part of 2012, I've stopped swearing but gosh darn they annoy me. They either need to become better liars or just stop cheating me because of the colour of my skin, because that's just racist! And it's not just that I'm white, I get picked on twice as bad because I'm a woman. There have been so many times when Josiah has been quoted a better price than me for the exact same thing. For me, a dozen eggs cost Rs48. For Josiah it's Rs44. And when we first arrived, I went to exchange some Australian money. I got quoted 45rs to the dollar. Josiah walked in 30 seconds later and they said they'd give 47! How is my money worth less than his? Which leads me to my next point...

3. Women are treated like brainless morons. Yes even me, a foreign woman. For example, when Josiah and I go to a restaurant, after I order my meal, the waiter will always look to him for approval of my order before writing it down. For goodness sake! I’ve been ordering for myself since I was 10! Prick.

4. The street food. Everything is battered and deep fried. Sounds yummy? It really isn’t. And stuff that shouldn’t taste like curry, tastes like curry. I kid you not. One example - their biscuits. Tastes like curry! It’s just nasty. I swear, if it’s any shade of yellow, it’s got curry spices in it. Guaranteed.

On a side note, if you want great street food, you really can’t beat Thailand. Moo-bing; som-tum; mango and sticky rice with coconut milk drizzled on top. My mouth is watering.

5. The culture. For one of the oldest civilisations in history, you’d think India would have sorted out its problems by now. Not so. Read this: http://blogs.independent.co.uk/2012/01/16/it%E2%80%99s-a-girl-the-three-deadliest-words-in-the-world/

Overall we don’t regret coming to India. We’ve learnt a lot about ourselves and we’ve gained a better understanding of how people in the world’s 2nd most populated country live. But we're tired and well and truly ready to go. Namaste. 

I have no words to describe how gross this drink is...

The only good thing about my smoothie?
It didn't whinge when I asked it to pose for pictures!

Am I missing something? Is it April’s Fools?! Because I just had a nasty little trick played on me. Here’s the back story: As part of my 2012 Health & Fitness goals (which sadly, aren't going all that well), I decided to eat more vegetables. I hate vegetables, but apparently they’re good for me, so I’m making an effort.

Anyway, I saw this spinach smoothie recipe on Pinterest that had rave reviews like: “Yummy!”; “Doesn’t taste ‘healthy’”; “Delicious!”; “I’ll be making it again!” and my personal favourite: “You can’t even taste the spinach”.

Well, I’m here to tell you, they’re lying.

It tastes absolutely FOUL. 

Yes you CAN taste the spinach.

NO it isn’t yummy.

YES it does taste healthy (if by 'healthy' you mean, "I need a vodka chaser just to get rid of the taste.").

Seriously! No wonder the people who make up shakes like this are all skinny – one sip and you lose your appetite for the rest of the day!

My conclusions? I’m really starting to re-think if all this ‘healthy eating’ is worth it.

Oh, and spinach is firmly off my Christmas Card List.